Restart.

As I have returned from my adventures and have since nearly completed another semester of school since i have last posted here i feel its time to start.

I need to be able to speak and express the many things that are inside my heart, for the sake of my own sanity. So if for no one else this blog is for me. I know there are many blogs on the interweb and why you would choose to read this one is beyond me. But don't expect anything more than a rambling one way discussion about my life and the things that I encounter in it.

SO. Post uno.

It seems i was deceived...Well, misguided and ignorant more likely. Who in there right mind ever called art easy? I was a fool who thought this would be his easiest semester. Hell no. I couldn't thing of a more difficult combination of classes than the ones i have now. I feel terrible because the one class i enjoy and that i'm good at i hardly get the chance to really enjoy.

I think also this semester is scarring. This is why; I work my butt off to keep up with my classes this year. Harder than i ever have before. And, to this point, it hasn't paid off. So i feel like i no longer trust the hard work, and effort i have to put out for certain classes. As if i don't believe that i do any better with hours and hours of stressful studying than when i BS my way through the semester. Well, i can tell you i have the wrong attitude. I know i do, but it doesn't change the fact that i still hate it.

I need to work hard. I need to persist through trials. I need to struggle.
Mostly i need to push beyond fear. Fear of failing, fear of work, fear of who i need to be.

I always thought i wasn't afraid of failure, and perhaps i am less so than others. I am beginning to think otherwise. I understand my inability and weakness, and i'm afraid of it and the consequences of it.

"Lord, I need the whip and the rod." I'm not sure i can learn without the forcing of discipline upon me. I just need to suck up al that it means.

Even so there are moments of hope. I just want to serve God. I want to know that what i'm doing is for a purpose and that what i'm doing brings him joy. I see life has nothing for me to gain, and further more i want to know that reality to its fullest. To live is truly Christ and what is death but the gain of a greater living? I seek the urgency and the zeal i believe is required in this day and age.

Christ is coming, and we can argue about when. The simple fact still remains, we have a purpose and a calling. We must answer with the zeal and passion that far exceed any other passion we may have. Our evil passions easily outweigh our holy ones, therefore we must realize the seriousness of the place we find ourselves in.

This all works together in my life bound by the fact that God wants more from me and i need to be willing to give it.